Email forward. Pathetic, I know. But it was too good to resist! So here goes...
Author of this piece, whoever you are - Way Cool! :-)
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
Source: The Hindu, dated 13th April, 2006. Newscape section (that appears at the top of the page)
Found, at last
The police in California recovered a motorcycle 35 years after it was stolen, as it was being shipped to an unsuspecting person in Finland who bought it on online auction eBay. It was a year-old Yamaha 360.
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling! Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh a minute for us adults and therefore no time to argue.
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Me would love to live in a dessert - the more chocolatier the better!
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
So, that's what a myth is? Hmm..and I thought it had something to do with made-up stories! Silly me!
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline.
Moral: Marriage and Advice will get you killed. And yeah..it generally happens that after a dude dies, his career is shot.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
Yep, catch the biscuits and Java and have your own coffee party!
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
I'm not sure if any finger movements came along with that last line.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
Yeah..burnt to a steak and rumor has it that she was also baconized ;-)
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
No comments.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
No comments again.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Man, isn't that cool - he was born exactly on his birthday!!!! Iambic, Islamic...tragicomedies, hysterectomies...whatever!
Sorry about the size folks - Flickr wouldn't let me login, so this is the max I can do! You can consider it an eye-checkup - if you can read it, good, you dont need glasses! Meanwhile, think of a good explanation to give to all those people who're going to ask you why your head is glued to the monitor.
A boy worked in the produce section of the supermarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal.
Later the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just prostitutes and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota," the manager said.
The boy replied, "Really!? What team did she play for?"
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits down, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Calvin: Do you like being a girl? Susie: Its gotta be better than the alternative. Calvin: What’s it like? Is it like being a bug? Susie: Like a WHAT? Calvin: I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it.
Calvin: This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy Girls club will now come to order. First Tiger Hobbes will read the minutes of our last meeting. Hobbes: Thank you. (9:30) Meeting called to order. Dictator For Life Calvin proposed resoultion condemning the existence of girls. (9:35) First Tiger Hobbes abstains from vote. Motion fails. (9:36) Patriotism of First Tiger called into question. (9:37) Philosophical discussion. (10:15) Bandages administered. Dictator For Life rebuked for biting. Calvin: "Is this a great club or what?" Hobbes: (10:16) Forgot what debate was about. Medals of bravery awarded to all parties.
Calvin: Hello Susie, this is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment. Can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow? Susie: Are you sure you're not calling for some other reason? Calvin: Why else would I call you? Susie: Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice? Calvin: WHAT? Are you crazy? All I want is the STUPID assignment! Susie: First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice. Calvin: THIS IS BLACKMAIL!!!
I got this story as a forward from my dad - he's really sweet you know, I started using email (and the associated 'email forwards') way before he did but he still sends me all these things that I've read umpteen times before! Way to go Dad! Love ya! ---------------------- Source: Internet
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge toward him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him: reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," the voice said. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws together, bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband the very next morning that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.
Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them.
Ah, men..
I had a great year (no pictures yet to support that though - there is just no limit to my laziness). I do not believe in New Year resolutions - if you really want to do something, you don't need a New Year to make you do it.
I'm going to ring in New Year on my blog 2 days ahead ('coz I won't be in a bloggable condition this weekend - me going home to meet mom and dad after god-knows-how-long!!)
So, here's to you and yours! Happy New Year!
Catch y'all on the other side of 2006 folks! As always, keep smiling (well ofcourse, not to the extent that people think you've gone..er..cuckoo)!
A teacher gave her fourth-grade students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what they submitted:
As you shall make your bed so shall you.....Mess it up. Better be safe than.....Punch a 5th grader. Strike while the.....Bug is close. Don't bite the hand that.....Looks dirty. A miss is as good as a.....Mister. You can't teach an old dog new.....Math. The pen is mightier than the.....Pigs. An idle mind is.....The best way to relax. Happy the bride who.....Gets all the presents. A penny saved is.....Not worth much. Two's company, three's.....The Musketeers. When the blind leadeth the blind.....Get out of the way. Where there's smoke, there's.....Pollution. Children should be seen and not.....Spanked or grounded. A rolling stone.....Plays the guitar. A bird in the hand is.....A real mess. No news is.....No newspaper. No news is.....Impossible. It's better to light one candle than to.....Waste electricity. It's always darkest just before.....I open my eyes. It's always darkest before.....Daylight savings time. It's always darkest before.....9:30 p.m. You have nothing to fear but....homework. If you can't stand the heat.....Don't start the fireplace. If you can't stand the heat.....Go swimming. Never put off 'til tomorrow what you.....Should have done yesterday. Never put off 'til tomorrow what.....you put on to go to bed. Never underestimate the power of.....Termites. If you lie down with the dogs.....You'll stink in the morning. The squeaking wheel gets.....Annoying. We have nothing to fear but.....Our principal. To err is human.....To eat a muskrat is not. I think, therefore I.....Get a headache. Better to light a candle than to.....Light an explosive. Early to bed and early to rise.....Is first in the bathroom. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a.....Blister. There is nothing new under the.....Bed. The grass is always greener.....When you leave the sprinkler on. The grass is always greener.....When you put manure on it. Don't count your chickens.....It takes too long. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....You haveto blow your nose. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and.....Someone yells, " Shut up!" You can lead a horse to water but.....How? Love all, trust.....Me. None are so blind as.....Helen Keller. If at first you don't succeed.....Get new batteries. You get out of something what you.....See pictured on the box.
It's ok if you've read this already - doesn't hurt to laugh again now, does it! :-D
All of you would have read this at some point since the time you first heard of e-mail. Nevertheless, this remains one of my all-time favorite jokes and it still cracks me up like anything! So here goes -
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink and then another drink and so on. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me". 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
1. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb. 2. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails. 3. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you. 4. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you. 5. If she buys you a drink, she likes you. 6. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks. 7. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not. 8. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence. 9. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor. 10. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it. 11. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling". 12. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English. 13. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot". 14. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours. 15. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work. 16. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass. 17. If there is a line for drinks, get your drink and step the hell away from the bar. 18. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing. I.E. urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
FYI - I don't booze. I have never set foot in a bar (I don't intend to either). The above is just something I read and found interesting/funny.
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