Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband the very next morning that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.
Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them.
Ah, men..
I had a great year (no pictures yet to support that though - there is just no limit to my laziness). I do not believe in New Year resolutions - if you really want to do something, you don't need a New Year to make you do it.
I'm going to ring in New Year on my blog 2 days ahead ('coz I won't be in a bloggable condition this weekend - me going home to meet mom and dad after god-knows-how-long!!)
So, here's to you and yours! Happy New Year!
Catch y'all on the other side of 2006 folks! As always, keep smiling (well ofcourse, not to the extent that people think you've gone..er..cuckoo)!
A teacher gave her fourth-grade students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what they submitted:
As you shall make your bed so shall you.....Mess it up. Better be safe than.....Punch a 5th grader. Strike while the.....Bug is close. Don't bite the hand that.....Looks dirty. A miss is as good as a.....Mister. You can't teach an old dog new.....Math. The pen is mightier than the.....Pigs. An idle mind is.....The best way to relax. Happy the bride who.....Gets all the presents. A penny saved is.....Not worth much. Two's company, three's.....The Musketeers. When the blind leadeth the blind.....Get out of the way. Where there's smoke, there's.....Pollution. Children should be seen and not.....Spanked or grounded. A rolling stone.....Plays the guitar. A bird in the hand is.....A real mess. No news is.....No newspaper. No news is.....Impossible. It's better to light one candle than to.....Waste electricity. It's always darkest just before.....I open my eyes. It's always darkest before.....Daylight savings time. It's always darkest before.....9:30 p.m. You have nothing to fear but....homework. If you can't stand the heat.....Don't start the fireplace. If you can't stand the heat.....Go swimming. Never put off 'til tomorrow what you.....Should have done yesterday. Never put off 'til tomorrow what.....you put on to go to bed. Never underestimate the power of.....Termites. If you lie down with the dogs.....You'll stink in the morning. The squeaking wheel gets.....Annoying. We have nothing to fear but.....Our principal. To err is human.....To eat a muskrat is not. I think, therefore I.....Get a headache. Better to light a candle than to.....Light an explosive. Early to bed and early to rise.....Is first in the bathroom. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a.....Blister. There is nothing new under the.....Bed. The grass is always greener.....When you leave the sprinkler on. The grass is always greener.....When you put manure on it. Don't count your chickens.....It takes too long. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....You haveto blow your nose. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and.....Someone yells, " Shut up!" You can lead a horse to water but.....How? Love all, trust.....Me. None are so blind as.....Helen Keller. If at first you don't succeed.....Get new batteries. You get out of something what you.....See pictured on the box.
It's ok if you've read this already - doesn't hurt to laugh again now, does it! :-D
There's no point in doing or saying certain things in life these days. It just doesn't matter - like telling mom, for the umpteenth time, that you're 24 and can take care of yourself. Or telling your husband that you do not how the car keys got into the last shelf of the shoe stand - no, you don't think they walked by themselves, you just don't know! Ever noticed that you get the maximum questions on re-direct when you say 'I don't know'. Maybe because it's just so unbelievable that being humans, there are things we do not know.
There's no point to this post. I have time to kill and I have a blog - good for me, bad for you. What's the point in having a blog and not posting eh? You're regretting that minute in the last 3 minutes when you actually decided to drop by my blog right? Good, I got you right where I want. Irritated, bored, wondering where this meaningless rambling is going to...let me tell you something upfront (god, I hate this word 'upfront' - is it a valid word btw?), you will be feeling the same way even after reading through this post. Why? 'Coz there's no point! no point to this blog or to any other blog out there other than occupying memory god knows where and using up network bandwidh god knows where to (can God say I dont know? curious - been reading God's Debris - it makes you question everything). You got it right - you're reading a post by one cranky software engineer - and to make matters worse, a woman. (Or is the other way round - I'm a woman and to make matters worse, a software engineer? I'm going mad, aren't I? Maybe it is time to tell my husband the truth.)
I'm suddenly reminded of a dialogue I heard in a Malayalam movie called 'Ner Ariyaan CBI' (rough translation - CBI to know the truth). The hero is asked a question "Why does the sun rise in the east?" The answer: "It's not that the sun rises in the east. Wherever the sun rises, we call that east." Don't ask me why I'm writing this here or why I was reminded of that. No point asking 'coz I seriously don't know.
There are other 'No point' questions - like asking someone in a restaurant, 'Hey, eating out eh?'. No, its my hobby to go to restaurants and sit around till someone asks me this question, thank you very much. Why do people do that? I watched this stand-up comedy by Bill Engvall the other day (actually its a month back, but easier to say the other day). He's flying to some place and during landing the aeroplane hits a deer on the runway and has a minor trouble landing. Our man is laughing his head off 'coz, let's face it, how often does an aircraft hit a deer? Anyway, he calls up his wife from the airport to tell her what happened - "Honey, hey.. we had a small problem with the landing. We hit a deer!" There's a pause on the other end for a second and then a question - "O my god, was the plane on the ground?". Engvall replied (to an audience laughing their heads off), "No, Santa was doing one last round!". Here's your sign!!
Know what I just did? I tried using the laptop the way it was meant to be used - on my lap and ended up pulling the cable out of the modem (don't ask me how). It said "Network cable unplugged" and went bust. And it took me all of 10 minutes to connect back - and it's supposed to be broadband, not dialup! O for the love of God! Which reminds me of something else... totally bizarre, least related to what I've been writing till now (which is?..crap) - I read a blog about a girl who killed a rat - you cannot make me explain any further. No.
You know, I'm having a lousy day (really??!!) but I got no right to ruin yours. So.. ciao amici! (someday, I'll tell you why I use Italian now and then.)
Something you could try out if you're bored and feeling adventurous at the same time. I wish I could try these sometime - maybe I will when I don't need my job anymore!
Disclaimer: Me not responsible for the repurcussions if these are tried by the readers.
****************** Source: Internet
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes. Then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain that you can't get the damn thing to work. After it has been turned on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process. 4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. 5. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 6. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 7. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 8. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 9. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting. 10. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohplease ohplease ohplease ohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 11. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 12. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 13. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 14. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to your manager and complain about the bad working conditions. 15. Bring som dry ice. Make it look like your computer is smoking. 16. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 17. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 18. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 19. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the place. 20. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 21. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 22. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. 23. Run into office, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type. 24. Stare at the person's next to yours screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 25. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 26. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it. 27. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 28. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
If you haven't even smiled once after reading the above - you need to see a shrink! Trust me.
Christmas is over, but I'm still humming this one -
Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Walking home from our house Christmas eve. You can say there's no such thing as Santa, But as for me and grandpa we believe.
She'd been drinking too much eggnog and we begged her not to go. But she forgot her medication, and she staggered out the door into the snow. When we found her Christmas morning at the scene of the attack, She had hoof-prints on her forehead and incriminating Claus marks on her back.
Now we're all so proud of grandpa, he's been taking this so well. See him in there watching football, drinking root beer and playing cards with Cousin Mel. It's not Christmas without Grandma, all the family's dressed in black. And we just can't help but wonder: Should we open up her gifts or send them back? Send them back!!
Now the goose is on the table and the pudding made of fig. And the blue and silver candles that would just have matched the hair on grandma's wig. I've warned all my friends and neighbors better watch out for yourselves, They should never give a license to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.
I know I'm late, but had my own Christmas celebrations with my better half and didn't get to even open the laptop. But hey, better late than never!
Sunday saw us at the IMAX theatre watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire! Well, I can't believe I'm saying this but, the movie was a let down. Maybe because I've read the book atleast a gazillion times and found the movie not even close. Imagine - I found the Quidditch matches in the book more interesting than on screen!! (If you do not know what Quidditch is, chances are you won't understand even a single word of what's coming up - so..consider yourselves warned.)
SPOILER ALERT!! - If you haven't seen the movie yet, but intend to, please don't read on.
If you have read the book, you know what I'm talking about - the first scene in the movie with Harry's dream about Wormtail and Voldemort in the Riddle House - well, they also show Barty Crouch Jr (the one who impersonates Moody) in the dream!!! Can you believe that??!!! there's more - they did not show the Quidditch World Cup match - I was dying to see the Wronski Feint by Krum, but no..they just didnt show it! No Veela, no leprechauns - nothing!! There was nothing about Winky the house-elf (so you can imagine how distorted the plot is if there is no Winky tugging an invisible Barty Crouch who casts the Dark Mark in the sky).
The director seems to have taken a lot of liberty with the story line - in the second task, Harry gets the gillyweed from Neville - not Dobby! There's nothing about Rita Skeeter being an animagus. And the biggest lapse of them all - the third task in the maze was the letdown of the year!! They did not show any obstacles at all in the maze - just the scary looking maze and Krum trying to jinx Fleur and Cedric. No sphinx asking questions, no spider attack on Harry and Cedric, no fog that turns the world upside down, no Blast-ended Skrewts - nothing, zero, zilch! There was way too much dialogue between the characters and very less action.
But surprises that I liked - the scene with the Durmstrang ship coming was too cool. So were Victor Krum and Cedric Diggory and Hermione. Mad-eye Moody was ok - I'd imagined someone less fat though ;-) Snape did some comedy - shocked eh? Well, no comments on that one. Loved the scene were Malfoy is transfigured into a ferret by Moody. There was a scene were Prof McGonagall teaches the class to dance - it's not in the book right? It was good though - especially with Ron, Fred and George (who look cool btw). The last scene in the graveyard with Voldemort rising was really well-taken. Voldemort rocks! Looks just like the descriptions in the book.
The best part about the movie were the actors - they were absolutely amazing! Daniel Radcliffe was mind-blowing (forgive my choice of words for superlatives - I'm not such a good review-writer - I just write what comes to my mind). Emma Watson - she was really really cute (hubbie dear liked her the best!) . No comments on Ron. The coolest was Draco Malfoy - he actually looks handsome and..for want of a better word - yummy! Dumbledore was good, his costumes could have been better though - he walked around in what looks like a faded, old nightie for cryin' out loud! Madame Maxine was good too - she actually makes Hagrid look normal. The Beauxbaton girls and Durmstrang guys were awesome - the introduction scene for them was great.
I know its a 2.5 hour movie and you cannot have the full book in it, but some parts were outrageous. A person who hasn't read the book (like my husband) would never appreciate the true beauty of a Harry Potter tome if the movie is like this! Then again, I don't think any movie that's completely based on a book can do full justice to all aspects of the book and maintain the nature of cinema at the same time. End of the day, it's still a HP movie and I'm always a very faithful fan - so I can tolerate the movie!
The movie is worth watching only once - I say only once 'coz for me, the rest of the HP movies can be watched any number of times. Not so for the Goblet of Fire. Loved the IMAX experience though - but that's a topic for another post!
So long then...Buon Natale again folks! Hope you had a wonderful miracle-filled and jolly Christmas!
Heard about grey markets for electronic goods? Well, Grey Library is the internet equivalent of the same for books - not for buying books, but for downloading soft copies of some good ones (fiction mostly).
HP fans: This site has the first 4 till Goblet of Fire. Dan Brown fans: Has all 4 of his works!
It's a Russian site - don't worry if you do not understand anything on the screen. Move your mouse over the sections in the white bar under the image of the spectacles and watch the status bar of your browser window - it would display the genre of books found in that section. Something like libfan, libaction, etc. Click on each section and you will find the book names in english.
On a less law-breaking note, check out Scott Adams' "God's Debris" at the following link -
My manager asked me today if I've heard of Ajax. Ofcourse, it's a Dutch football club, Ajax Amsterdam. Sorry, wrong answer. AJAX is Asynchronous Java and XML. Who would have thought of that! Point I'm making? Well, the technology around me is progressing rapidly and I'm still exactly where I was 4 years back when I graduated as an Electrical Engineer (surprise!! and you thought I was a software engineer eh?).
This small conversation kinda freaked me out. I've been meaning to do a lot of learning (atleast reading) but you know what's the maximum I do? I subscribe to things like the Sun Developer Network newsletters and when I get those emails in my inbox, I select them all and use a beautiful option offered by Yahoo - 'Mark as read'. C'mon guys, I am trying, am I not? Today I just mark them as read, tomorrow I might actually open them - you never know, I'm like that.
I googled (yep, that's a valid word these days, like email) a bit for AJAX and found a lot of things to read. Which is not very good, is it? Now to be able to understand AJAX, there are a trillion other things I need to be familiar with. Which again, is not very encouraging. Most articles just ricocheted off my brains (the last I checked my brain was not made of metal, I don't know why this happened) so I modified my google search - I searched for 'AJAX for beginners' (I would be a fish out of water if it weren't for God Google). I got a lot of hits again - and I went to the one that was in English. Just plain everyday english. And I started to read (believe it or not!). BTW, this article is a good one for dummies like me - check it out: http://www.webreference.com/programming/javascript/jf/column12/index.html
I've read a bit now. Understood enough to make me feel less guilty about being AJAX-illiterate. Like my manager said, now if someone asks me about AJAX, I can confidently say it stands for Asynchronous Java and XML (if the person really asked about the football club, well, tough luck!). But then life isn't very fair, is it? Just heard that Data Warehousing is a hot technology right now and guess what? I don't know Data Warehousing. Yet. Google, here I come!
December 25th Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With dearest love and affection, Agnes ------------------ December 26th Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm absolutely delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes ------------------ December 27th Dear John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They really are darling but I must insist...you're just too kind. Love Agnes --------- December 28th Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes --------------------- December 29th Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes ------------------ December 30th Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP! Cordially, Agnes ---------------- December 31th John: What's with you and those bloody birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of warped joke is this? There's bird poo all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with the birds. Sincerely, Agnes ---------------- January 1st OK Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There are dirty great cow pats all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. Ag ---------------- January 2nd Hey Psycho, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play... They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours. From Ag ---------------- January 3rd You Rotten Sod, Now there are ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those tramps ladies. They've been bonking those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of manure. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm getting the police onto you. One who means it, Ag -------------------- January 4th Listen You Ratbag: What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. The pipers have started brawling with the eleven lords a-leaping. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister -------------------------------------- January 5th (From the law offices of I. Grindem and Lovitt) Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
I came home yesterday after 3 months in the US of A. Had a good time, but missed home terribly, so glad to be back!
The flight from San Francisco to Hyderabad takes around 22 hours - excluding the 18 (!!!) hour stopover at Singapore. Yes, poor me! But I did it and I don't intend to do it again for a long long time. Travelling by air is by far the most boring way to travel - the seats are uncomfortable, and you get to see nothing but clouds out the window (if you don't count the wing of the aircraft that hides the little view of the lands below)! I haven't travelled by sea yet (I won't in this life), so I don't know how good or bad that is..
Coming back to what I was saying - the journey as such was ok, I mean, what can you expect out of it anyway? Unless your plane was hijacked by armed terrorists and you (yes you, not the police or army) somehow saved the day, there's nothing much to look forward to. The food was exceptionally bad (which is surprising 'coz Singapore Airlines generally serves not-so-bad food) and the in-flight movies were no big deal - except 1 (Madagascar), the remaining 59 (yes, 59) were no great-shakes.
BTW, 'Madagascar' is a must-watch movie folks! It's amazing! It's an animated film about 4 animals from a New York zoo which escape and reach Madagascar. It was a very very cute movie - there's a zebra (voice by Chris Rock), a lion (Ben Stiller), a hippo and a hypochondriac giraffe (David Schwimmer - the same whiny Ross of FRIENDS) and their adventures in reaching Madagascar. Man it was cool! the fun part was 3 penguins that actually dig their way to Antarctica from NY! Way to go cartoons!! And the song in the movie was great too - I felt like getting up and dancing, which, knowing me, was somethin! ('I like to move it' @ http://www.muchmusic.net/madagascar_soundtrack_mp3_download_1004). I'm going to ask my husband to get me the DVD - which he will after laughing himself silly that I'm 24 and still watch cartoons. But you know what? I don't care - I still watch and will still watch cartoons - they are any day better than these heros and heroines we see in regular flicks.
As much as I would love to continue now, I'm feeling really really sleepy, still on Pacific Std time...so let me get over my jet-lag and then continue boring you.
Not too sleepy for a joke though -
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Ok, this is amazing beyond words! A german chartbuster sung by a 4 year old about Schnappi, the Crocodile! I want to learn German just to sing this song!
Cute, isn't it?
Lyrics (if you can manage to get the pronunciation right!) -
Ich bin Schnappi, das kleine Krokodil. Komm aus Ägypten, das liegt direkt am Nil. Zuerst lag ich in einem Ei, dann schni-,schna-,schnappte ich mich frei
Ich bin Schnappi, das kleine Krokodil, hab scharfe Zähne, und davon ganz schön viel. Ich schnapp mir was ich schnappen kann, ja ich schnapp zu, weil ich das so gut kann.
Ich bin Schnappi, das kleine Krokodil, ich schnappe gern, das ist mein Lieblingsspiel. Ich schleich mich an die Mama ran, und zeig ihr wie ich schnappen kann
Ich bin Schnappi, das kleine Krokodil, und vom Schnappen, da krieg ich nicht zu viel. Ich beiß dem Papi kurz ins Bein, und dann, dann schlaf ich einfach ein.
All of you would have read this at some point since the time you first heard of e-mail. Nevertheless, this remains one of my all-time favorite jokes and it still cracks me up like anything! So here goes -
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink and then another drink and so on. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me". 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
1. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb. 2. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails. 3. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you. 4. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you. 5. If she buys you a drink, she likes you. 6. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks. 7. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not. 8. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence. 9. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor. 10. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it. 11. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling". 12. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English. 13. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot". 14. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours. 15. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work. 16. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass. 17. If there is a line for drinks, get your drink and step the hell away from the bar. 18. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing. I.E. urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
FYI - I don't booze. I have never set foot in a bar (I don't intend to either). The above is just something I read and found interesting/funny.
(New International Version - Matthew 6, Verses 25 to 34.)
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
(Source: Srimad Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 4, Verses 7 and 8)
"Yada yada hi dharmasya glanirbhavathi bharata Abyudhaanam adharmasya tadaatmaanam srujaamyaham
Paritraanaya saadhunaam vinaashaya cha dushkritaam Dharma samsthaapanaarthaaya sambhavami yuge yuge"
"Whenever and wherever a decline of righteousness and a predominance of unrighteousness prevails, at that time I manifest Myself, O descendant of Bharata.
To protect the good and destroy evil and to establish righteousness, I appear millenium after millenium."
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
4. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
5. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
6. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
7. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
8. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
9. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
10. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
11. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
12. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
13. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
14. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
15. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
16. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
17. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
I'm a very accident prone person (I can see my mom and my husband nod their heads, hee hee). A day doesn't go by when I haven't cut, nicked, scratched, scalded, tripped or hit myself atleast once. My husband feels I've never learned to walk. And sadly, I might have to agree. It's not that I like getting hurt - c'mon, I hate getting hurt. It hurts! I just don't know why it always happens to me!
My latest includes getting scalded by boiling water, bruised my elbow on a sharp edge of the table, cut my finger chopping onions (this is the best - the onions were making my eyes water, so I was actually cutting the onions with my eyes closed!! Now you know why I'm accident prone) and hit my little toe on the unseen corner of the bed (if my toe had a its way, it would walk right out of my foot).
I have to say, my family has been very supportive in this aspect. 2 years back if I told my husband that I cut my finger, all hell would break loose - in a good way though. Now - I'll be happy if he even looked up from reading the newspaper. Kidding - hell breaks loose even now, but its a different kind of hell where I first get scolded for being careless, then for using the wrong knife and then for not doing something after I got cut. I don't blame him, he's a darling when it comes to putting up with me. If I were him, I would put myself in a protective bubble and go around bouncing.
I was trying to analyse why it happens with me - my family truly deserves an answer to this one, what say? So let's see...it could either be the way I walk around the house or..get this, it could be that all the furniture in the house is scheming against me! >:-) I like the furniture answer better. Let's go with that for a minute - now, why would all the furniture hate me? I'm a good person, aren't I? I don't mess with them (unless I go hit myself against them that is).
These things probably have a mind of their own. There's even a word for that in english - resistentialism. Definition: It's a theory declaring that inanimate objects display hostile or negative behavior towards human beings. I'm not kidding people!! It was coined by a humorist, Paul Jennings, in an article called 'Report on Resistentialism'. His slogan - 'Things are against us'. I know exactly what he's talking about! The furniture in my house is most definitely against me.
Now that I know the reason for my accidents, where do I find the proof? I mean, unless I actually see my sofa and my bed talk to each other about how to hurt me, I cannot possibly ask my husband to believe that the furniture is the culprit, right? He would try to find a good psychiatrist for me (I have a feeling he's started to find one already). Maybe I should put my Hercule Poirot cap and find that out. It might take a lot of grey cells to get this one right, but I'm not giving up - even if it means more hits and bruises and cuts and burns!
I wonder which one it is - the chair or the bed? It could also be the pressure cooker, but that happened just once. My hunch - the chair or the bed. Which one? Think think...
Diamonds are forever, They are all I need to please me, They can stimulate and tease me, They won't leave in the night, I've no fear that they might desert me.
Diamonds are forever, Hold one up and then caress it, Touch it, stroke it and undress it, I can see every part, Nothing hides in the heart to hurt me.
I don't need love, For what good will love do me? Diamonds never lie to me, For when love's gone, They'll luster on.
Diamonds are forever, Sparkling round my little finger. Unlike men, the diamonds linger; Men are mere mortals who Are not worth going to your grave for.
I don't need love, For what good will love do me? Diamonds never lie to me, For when love's gone, They'll luster on.
Diamonds are forever, forever, forever. Diamonds are forever, forever, forever. Forever and ever.
My reasons for liking this song - Shirley Bassey, the lyrics, James Bond (Sean Connery) and ofcourse, I love diamonds!
A fist made contact with the side of Harry's head, lifting him off his feet. Small white lights popped in front of his eyes. For the second time in an hour Harry felt as though his head had been cleaved in two; next moment, he had landed hard on the ground and his wand had flown out of his hand.
'You moron, Dudley!' Harry yelled, his eyes watering with pain as he scrambled to his hands and knees, feeling around frantically in the blackness. He heard Dudley blundering away, hitting the alley fence, stumbling.
'DUDLEY, COME BACK! YOU'RE RUNNING RIGHT AT IT!'
There was a horrible squealing yell and Dudley's footsteps stopped. At the same moment, Harry felt a creeping chill behind him that could mean only one thing. There was more than one. 'DUDLEY, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! WHATEVER YOU DO, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Wand!' Harry muttered frantically, his hands flying over the ground like spiders. 'Where's - wand - come on - lumos!'
He said the spell automatically, desperate for light to help him in his search - and to his disbelieving relief, light flared inches from his right hand - the wand tip had ignited. Harry snatched it up, scrambled to his feet and turned around.
His stomach turned over. A towering, hooded figure was gliding smoothly towards him, hovering over the ground, no feet or face visible beneath its robes, sucking on the night as it came.
Stumbling backwards, Harry raised his wand.
'Expecto patronum!'
A silvery wisp of vapour shot from the tip of the wand and the Dementor slowed, but the spell hadn't worked properly; tripping over his own feet, Harry retreated further as the Dementor bore down upon him, panic fogging his brain - concentrate -
A pair of grey, slimy, scabbed hands slid from inside the Dementor's robes, reaching for him. A rushing noise filled Harry's ears.
'Expecto patronum!'
His voice sounded dim and distant. Another wisp of silver smoke, feebler than the last, drifted from the wand - he couldn't do it any more, he couldn't work the spell. There was laughter inside his own head, shrill, high-pitched laughter. He could smell the Dementor's putrid, death-cold breath filling his own lungs, drowning him - think something happy -
But there was no happiness in him. The Dementor's icy fingers were closing on his throat - the high-pitched laughter was growing louder and louder, and a voice spoke inside his head: 'Bow to death, Harry..it might even be painless. I would not know, I have never died."
He was never going to see Ron and Hermione again -
And their faces burst clearly into his mind as he fought for breath.
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